shattered image of former self

Sat, 24 Apr 2004 15:34:06 GMT

its saturday i lost my job three weeks ago iam currently doing some landscaping till i find a new plumbing job

its nice out so iam going to go outside and play

i swear iam not dead

Mon, 01 Mar 2004 19:26:55 GMT

well its been a while and alot has happened since i last up dated my journal iam short on time so thi will be quick

i got a car- 1987 vw gti it rocks

i died my hair black

i joined a gym iam working out 4 times a week

i fell in love with the most beautiful girl and she makes me so fuking happy

partyed hard in OC this weekend

work sucks but i got to go i need money tottaling my car has fucked me up financaly

well i gotta run I'll up date soon i swear

east coat all the way

Fri, 06 Feb 2004 14:37:36 GMT

create your own visited states map
or write about it on the open travel guide

could i be happy

Sun, 01 Feb 2004 20:08:30 GMT

last night rocked don't want to go into it might jinks it but i had fun

Wed, 28 Jan 2004 14:43:02 GMT

i had a weird dream last night i dreamnt of someone i haven't seen or talked to or eventhought about for a long time. iam traped i can't acomplish anything iam deppressed and alone i hate the cold

Sun, 18 Jan 2004 23:10:40 GMT

kill me now

its been along time

Mon, 12 Jan 2004 17:31:33 GMT

i still don't have a car

party ed hard saturday

tried to go snowboarding sunday with only 3 hours of sleep the night before

not a good idea

have you ever been so miserable your happy

Thu, 01 Jan 2004 05:39:31 GMT

another year yeah

lets see how bad this one can be

i should be dead

Sat, 27 Dec 2003 13:27:10 GMT

i totaled my jeep

i fliped it

bounced 15 feet in the air

then rolled 5 or 6 times

iam all bruised and cut up

stiches in my chin staples in my head

lost cupple pints of blood

did it on christmas

i know everything sucks

Mon, 15 Dec 2003 10:15:32 GMT

help me

Wed, 03 Dec 2003 14:28:21 GMT

you kill me quick with your words

like a thousand daggers i feel them piercing my body

i die if i lissen i freeze if i ignore

Fri, 14 Nov 2003 20:44:58 GMT

i wish i was smart

i wish i was funny

i wish i was atractive

i wish i was drunk

does any body know what i did this weekend because i don't remember

Mon, 03 Nov 2003 20:39:00 GMT

what a crazy weekend

poters party friday, got really fucked up god bless beer bong even though there was some drama it still was a good time, transvestites are funny, espationly when a guyis making out with one and he doesn't know its not a girl but every one else does

saturday big ass bonfire jimmy was drunk and throwing up 9 i was lifted pretty much the hole night rock out

sunday was rtecovery until i decided to get fucked up again i don'tknow how i got home last night i was fucked up

good times, reallity is just a cruch for the sober

Thu, 23 Oct 2003 01:28:29 GMT

car broke down again, my wrist is broke, iam completly missarable, could one good thing happen to me. id slit my wrist but my right hands in cast

just wrote this

Wed, 15 Oct 2003 02:48:35 GMT

you can find me here bleeding and bruised
with blood shot eyes and broken bottles

you can find me here holding on to photographs and memories

you can find me here drowning in my own defeat

you can find me here cold and alone
terified that this is a dream, and i may never wake

you can find me here waiting longing
trying to see bright skys
but its hard to see threw these tears
and these beautiful lies

there's no will to go on there's just the will to live

Tue, 14 Oct 2003 19:54:28 GMT

i have cometo a dead end, i can't go back the way i came an i have no energy to clear my own path so i think i'll stay here lost for a while

i died my hair again, bleached exept for the tips i died them black the follownig comments r geting old

hey how was the mest show last night

whats up tennis ball

it looks like you shoved your head up a hores ass (THAT WAS ONLY SAID TO ME WANTS BUT IF IT IS SAID TO ME AGAIN I WILL LAY A MOTHER FUUKER OUT)

hey hows benji doing

theres more but iam tired of talking about that. oh and any joke that starts out like "where you doing the laundry and..."

any who
got in a car acident last night
started school last night

last night suced ass, went to a haunted house saturday it sucked ass

sunk a 4-wheeler sunday that sucked ass

my life preety much sucks ass

oh and i have decided to continue to smoke to much depression to quit, geuss iam down to only one thing that will make me quit

iam hacking up a lung or two so you'll notice when iam around

Wed, 08 Oct 2003 19:40:26 GMT

iam quiting smoking seriously

i have always said there where two things that would make me quit
A girlfriend told me to or if i ever cought up blood

i have hacked up peices of lung before we all have but today at work i cought it felt like a normal cough felt like nothin but mukis came out till ifelt somethin wet on the hand i had covered my mouth with. i look down there was blood

not smoking any more, well at lest after iam done this pack.

my beard looks sweat its a shame i have to shave it off friday. geting my hair died not just tips this time going all the way. like i did the first time

fuck yeah

other than nothing new has ocured

Sun, 05 Oct 2003 17:56:06 GMT

spin to left spin to the right and then spin back to the left
turn handle open door reach in side
pop in the clip pull on the slide
flick the switch
under the chine in the mouth to the temple on both sides
violently shacking the entire time
pull down to side, safety on
drop the clip put in side
shut the door
start to cry
i need one more day
to make a few more mistakes

iam the black jellybean

Sat, 04 Oct 2003 15:24:34 GMT

rain, the sky is grey i feel at peace as i sit here in peaces. MY chest is heavy, every breah i take is a chore, another fake smile, another little lie, another day i want to curl up and die. iam bleeding now, lost broken and confuesed i pass out. i awake to find nothing has change. this will be another day to wallow in pain. trying to go back from where i had came. but i can't go back iam unwanted, uninvited, and iam descusting to view. iam a wrached sight ugly and disfigured. the sight of me makes you gag. and i leave a bitter taste, iam the black jell bean discared from the bag. every once the red green and yellow ones iam left sitting in the bottom of an empty bag cold and alone waiting to be squashed and put out of my missary. kill me quick

cars dead iam dying someone put me out of my missery

Thu, 02 Oct 2003 20:00:33 GMT

well i have nothing left. my car is gone to shit, iam broke some one kill me. on a kinda happy note i found a song. one i wish i had writen, a song that says everything i feel. i only have two songs that make me feel this way, febuary stars by the foo fighters, and my new one, several ways to die trying by Dashboard Confessional heres the lyrics

Pacific sun, you should have warned us, it gets cold here
And the night can freeze before you set it on fire
And our flames go unnoticed
Diminished, faded just as soon as ther are fired

We are, we are, intrigued. We are, we are, invisible
Oh, how we've shouted, how we've screamed
Take notice, take interest, take me with you
But all our fears on deaf ears

Tonight, they're burning the roads they built to lead us to the light
And blinding our hearts with their shining lies
While closing our caskets cold and tight, but I'm dying to live

Pacific sun, you should have warned us, these heights are dizzying
And the climb can kill you long before the fall
And our trails go unmarked and unmapped
And covered just as soon as they are crossed

We are, we are, intriguing. We are, we are, desirable

a good walk a good talk

Mon, 22 Sep 2003 01:53:49 GMT

another weekend come and gone

walked wwith johne and clair tonight it was good, me johne and clair talked about alot of different stuff. well the end resolts of which are this

if a girl ever cheated on johne or me the dude would be dead really dead special if it was me who was dishing out the ass kicking

johne would dump the girl i probly wouldn't

i let people walk all over me, and i don't speek my mind enough

johne is normal compared to some people

well thats the wraped up of what we talked about

went fishing all day to it was fun cought the bigist fish even though it was a catfish. and me and tina have a fish that lives in the channel that we r determind to catch its name is bubba. its r white wale.

still depressed but what else is new

Sun, 21 Sep 2003 02:19:57 GMT

dear hillary duff

went to the mall bestbuy and walmart with kat and jimmy. it was fun we had a good time this weekend has been decint so far. well i got to go beer i calling

sincerly yours
always and forever
steve

Fri, 19 Sep 2003 13:46:52 GMT

well its friday iam off because no one showed up for work not even my formen. got my pay check yesterday missing some hours, i only cleard 416 oh well. diddn't work to day so next weeks will probly be the same. Iam board lonley and depressed. iam going to try to find something to do

Undone

Wed, 17 Sep 2003 02:01:01 GMT

I'm me
Me be
Goddamn
I am
I can
Sing and
Here me
Know me

Oh no
It go
It gone
Bye-bye
Who I
I think
I sink
and I die

Mon, 15 Sep 2003 03:49:58 GMT

i don't know what to do

i don't know what to say

i feel drained, completly drained

what dp i have to do to make my self feel better